The Ministry of Truth

McCain endorsed by Vietnam captors

In yet another example of the trend of high-profile endorsements for Sen. John McCain, a group of former North Vietnamese soldiers who held McCain as a prisoner of war for over five years has thrown support behind the republican presidential candidate.   Full Story →

In Brief

U.S. spy satellite weeks away from hitting ACLU headquarters

A large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and propulsion and is likely to hit the ACLU’s main offices on Broad Street in New York, government officials said Saturday.

South Carolina names Barack Obama president and ruler

Barack Obama didn’t just win Saturday’s South Carolina Democratic primary by a decisive margin, he has now been installed as the state’s ultimate ruler and god-king. Obama collected 99% of all votes cast, with Clinton receiving 1,342 and Edwards receiving around 14.

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Edwards drops out to spend more time with his hair

John Edwards announced Wednesday that his presidential bid has come to an end. An Edwards adviser said that the former Senator is looking forward to spending more time conditioning, brushing, and looking at his hair.

President expected to remind nation that he still has 357 days to fuck you up

President Bush’s last State of the Union address is expected to serve as a harsh reminder to the American people that he doesn’t leave office until January 20, 2009, still providing him ample opportunities to personally rape the entire world, administration officials said.

Family’s heads explode after accidently watching 3 minutes of BBC World News

As Fox News Channel celebrates a decade of excellence in New York, a small town in Wyoming is seeking answers after a tragic incident in which an entire family’s heads all spontaneously exploded while enjoying dinner and the evening news.

President’s Easter prayers for troops only heard by Gods with a sense of humor

“I had a chance to reflect on the great sacrifice that our military and their families are making,” Bush said outside the chapel at Fort Hood, Texas, after the service. “I prayed for their safety, I prayed for their strength and comfort, and I pray for peace. And I did it all with an open heart and a straight face.”

Iowa captures all ‘08 candidates

Representatives from the key primary state of Iowa announced today that state police have detained every major presidential candidate during various campaign stops over the past week. Governor Chet Culver released a videotape stating that the hostages would be freed only if Iowa was made exempt from the presidential primary election and that the candidates promise to never return.

6-year-old holding George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator Doll hostage

A George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator Doll is being held hostage by 6-year-old Timothy Jennings in the garage of his home, according to the Department of Homeland Security. Reports indicate that the 12″ action figure has been held against its will for several hours and that a small firecracker has been fastened to the toy’s authentic flight suit.

President allows photos taken of himself with brown people

In a move designed to stress a U.S. desire for stronger ties with Indonesia, President Bush allowed photographers to witness him casually talking with almost a dozen brown-skinned people. It marked the first time since the lead-up to the 2004 presidential election in which the President has been publicly seen with non-white persons.

Rumsfeld steps down to spend more time invading countries with no planning or intelligence, other hobbies

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned today in order to spend more time on personal hobbies such as beating baby seals to death and stalking writer Bob Woodward.

Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror concerns

The national election scheduled for today has been rescheduled to yesterday, and preliminary results show that Republicans have maintained decisive control of Congress. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major terrorist attack forced the rescheduling, which was so abrupt that the government had no time to inform citizens of the change.

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