The Ministry of Truth

Florida bars all legal voters from election

New “scrub list” provided by DBT ChoicePoint lists all 8,259,596 registered Florida voters as former felons, who are now unable to cast their vote

Tallahassee, Fl. — Florida has moved to bar all legal voters from Tuesday’s election, after a new “scrub list” — used by the state to expunge felons and dead people from voter rolls — was found to contain every single Florida voter.

Governor Jeb Bush said that he had no choice but to follow Florida law, and would therefore advice voting precincts to bar anyone appearing on the list — or all 8,259,596 registered Floridians — from voting on Tuesday.

The list’s release has met heated criticism from those skeptical of the accuracy of DBT’s work, and Bush responded swiftly to address that pessimistic outlook.

“We have to put our faith in the data. I know it may seem strange to the uninitiated eye that thousands of people on the list are shown to have committed their crimes before they were born, or even in the future, but that’s just a credit to the exceptional law enforcement community in our great state,” said the Governor.

“But am I surprised to learn that we suddenly have 8,259,596 more felons in our state? You betcha’,” said Bush. “Thank God we found them all in time to prevent them from taking part in our democracy.”

Upon close inspection of the list, it appears that there is exactly one Florida voter who is not scrubbed and will be allowed to cast a vote on November 5: Florida Governor Jeb Bush himself. Bush, who has lived a life completely free of getting caught for felonies, will proudly cast the deciding vote in Florida’s gubernatorial race.

Early “likely voter” polls show that Jeb Bush is ahead of challenger Bill McBride by 100%, with a margin of error of 100 points.

DBT ChoicePoint, who made international news in 2000 after their “scrub list” for Florida contained thousands of non-felons who were barred from voting, said that their work is completely legal, fair, and follows the strict guidelines set by the state.

“Why all the cynicism? Why on Earth would we purposely try to eliminate legal voters from the rolls? Frankly, our board of directors, who has strong Republican ties, is insulted by the allegations of wrongdoing here,” said a statement released by the company.