The Ministry of Truth

Homeland Security office: Don’t use duct tape to seal shut your nose and mouth

Secretary Ridge outlines proper and improper methods of defending a biological attack

Washington, D.C. — Homeland Security secretary Tom Ridge held an emergency press conference today to educate Americans on the recommended uses of duct tape in the wake of buying sprees around the country.

“Do not — I repeat — do not try to tape your nose and mouth shut with duct tape in an effort to keep biological agents out of your body. All you’ll end up doing is suffocating,” said Ridge.

Duct tape became highly sought after last week when the Homeland Security office announced that it could be useful in creating a “barrier” against microscopic toxins in the air. Unfortunately, many Americans were unsure how to implement the tape in their preparation for a bio-terror attack and eventually wound up taping all of their orifices shut.

“Again, sealing off any of the essential cavities on your head or on your body can have devastating results, if not cause a big mess,” said Ridge.