The Ministry of Truth

Americans brace for war with massive supplies of salsa, chips, and beer

Columbus, OH — As the start of the inevitable war with Iraq grows nearer, Americans are hunkering down in their homes and surrounding themselves with vital supplies such as cable television, alcoholic beverages, and a variety of “snack foods.”

Most Americans were thought to be in the final stages of their war preparation today, as the deadline for Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq comes at 8:00 pm EST tonight.

“This is serious stuff, and I’m actually very nervous,” said area resident Chip Allen. “I mean, the invitations for my ‘War Party’ just went out two days ago, and I’m not sure if everyone will be able to make it over for the big show.”

Allen said that he has all the recommended supplies for surviving America’s attack on Iraq at his disposal, including patriotic “USA” streamers to decorate the family-room and a big-screen TV.

“But I know, no matter what happens, I’ll be safe,” said Allen. “I have a two-week supply of onion-dip, just in case things get nasty.”

Intense demand for large-screen televisions has created panic at area electronic stores, as citizens rush to complete their final preparations for war.

Andre Chase, manager of a local Circuit City, said that customers have been streaming in since President Bush’s ultimatum to Saddam Hussein two days ago.

“We’re having a war special right now, which includes a high-def plasma screen and surround sound, so you don’t miss a thing,” said Chase. “It’s just like being there!”