The Ministry of Truth

Americanization of Iraq complete: Baghdad now Detroit

Ari Fleischer: “Iraq’s assimilation into American culture is at hand.”

BAGHDAD — As Iraq’s capital city falls into ruin brought about by its very citizens, American leaders expressed their pride in bringing Iraq under American influence.

“You’re seeing a reaction of people to oppression,” White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said. “The goal of Operation Iraqi Freedom was to bring a taste of American culture to these people. Well, the similarities between Baghdad and Detroit are now unmistakable.”

As fires raged in Baghdad, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld proudly exclaimed “mission accomplished!”

The parallels between the two cities are striking, as even Detroit’s mayor couldn’t help but point out. “There’s fear, violence, homelessness, rioting, murder, robbery, a complete lack of enforcement of the law, and oppressive weather,” Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick said. “Yes, we’re proud for the citizens of Baghdad, as I’m sure they’re proud of us.”

The mayor said that the cities are looking to each other for guidance and will be creating a “Sister City” program to foster the exchange of ideas. Banners proclaiming the connection between the cities are planned for downtown Detroit.

“Don’t forget, Saddam Hussein was an honorary citizen of Detroit,” Kilpatrick said.

Plans for assembly members of each city to visit and tour its sister city are currently being discussed.