The Ministry of Truth

Christian Right adopts “72 virgins in heaven” doctrine

New principle now being used to counter American’s misgivings on rising death toll in Iraq

WASHINGTON — President Bush endorsed a new doctrine put forth by Christian Coalition leader Pat Robertson today, proclaiming that all U.S. soldiers who die in Iraq fighting for America’s freedom will find 72 virgins awaiting them in heaven.

“Our soldiers are plenty prepared to fight for the cause of freedom in Iraq,” Bush said. “But if, God forbid, another soldier happens to suffer a lack of life, we’ll know that he’s merely entered a beautiful paradise and have 72 virgins at his or her disposal.”

The White House adopted the new principle after facing recent pressure from the public that the President may have used false intelligence to lead the country to war in Iraq. Polls show an increase in the number of Americans who are unsatisfied with the death toll in Iraq since President Bush declared the war officially over.

Administration officials held a series of meetings with the Pentagon to discuss the declining situation in Iraq. The President and his advisers eventually decided that the “72 virgins” point was a better course than sending more troops to Iraq for additional support.

Army recruiters are eager to incorporate the new “72 virgins” doctrine into marketing materials to help kick-start a lagging recruiting rate. “I’m not sure what will encourage a red-blooded 18-year-old American more than this,” Army Chief of Staff Gen. Dennis J. Reimer said.