Controversial “Star Wars” defense shield put on fast track
WASHINGTON — The President announced today that Saddam Hussein has acquired a gigantic death ray which is currently in low orbit around the Earth. A videotape released by Hussein last week appears to have been broadcast from space, possibly from a rogue Iraqi space station.
“If you thought that Saddam was scary before, you haven’t seen anything yet,” the President said at the start of a national address. “Check this out… Saddam Hussein has recently acquired a death ray, and it’s pointed right at us, right now.”
“Saddam could destroy the entire planet in a matter of seconds. But it is important to not panic, to keep going to work, and to continue to shop as usual,” urged the President.
The new intelligence comes in the wake of growing evidence that American and British governments overstated the threat posed by Iraq in a rush to war.
“Because of this terrifying threat, I have pushed through legislation to construct and deploy the “Star Wars” space defense shield immediate,” Bush said. “So just remember who’s the hero now, okay people?”
Hussein’s newly discovered whereabouts explain why coalition troops haven’t location the former Iraqi dictator in his home country. “The capability he has now in space could lead him to colonize other planets with his evildoing minions. This simply cannot stand,” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said.