The Ministry of Truth

Patriotapalooza tour showcases Patriot Act

John Ashcroft headlines the “festival of secret trials, incarceration, and authoritarianism.”

PHILADELPHIA — After playing to a sold-out crowd in Philadelphia today, Patriotapalooza thunders onward to Cleveland, Detroit and Des Moines, Iowa. The self-described “festival of secret trials, incarceration, and authoritarianism” will make more than a dozen stops across the country, treating fans of fascism to an incredible line-up of anti-freedom culture and exhibitions.

Attorney General Ashcroft has been burning up the house on the main stage since the tour’s first date at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative Washington think tank.

“Hello, patriots! Are you ready to experience my version of America?” bellowed Ashcroft as he took the stage amid screams of ecstasy from the overflowing audience.

“War is peace! Freedom is slavery! Ignorance is strength!” chanted Ashcroft to the crowd’s delight.

The touring festival features several interactive exhibits which allow thongs of fans to experience a secret records search, become the target of a roving wiretap, and undergo indefinite detention as a non-citizen.

A nightly bonfire of the Bill of Rights is sure to be an experience that participants in the tour will never forget.

While frenzied crowds have braved the demonstrations of wiretaps, secret searches, and open library records at each stop of the tour, hundreds of thousands of Americans have already experienced the magic of Patriotapalooza 2003. They just don’t know it yet.