The Ministry of Truth

Clarified Al-Qaida chatter: Planning to wait for US to mess up own elections, again

Ridge: Terrorists’ aim is to sit back and watch us screw the pooch another time

Washington — Senior intelligence officials say what they originally thought was a plan by terrorists to carry out a large-scale attack to influence November’s presidential election is actually wrong, and that the terrorists simply plan to do nothing but watch disputed returns come in on the Fox News Channel via satellite.

Bin Laden and his top lieutenant, Ayman al-Zawahiri, are overseeing an “election night party” from their remote hideouts somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, according to senior intelligence officials.

“We apologize to the American people for creating any panic from this incorrect warning,” said one official, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Rest assured that America’s voting procedures are as completely messed up as they were in 2000, if not more so.”

The planned attack was described originally as “an effort to disrupt the democratic process” before November’s elections, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said. “…which should have been a warning flag to us that our intelligence might not be up to par again… Democratic process, funny stuff.”