The Ministry of Truth

Shrapnel inside Kerry’s body responds to veterans flap

Artillery fragments address comments made by Bob Dole regarding Purple Heart awards

Washington — Fragments from an exploded artillery shell which have resided inside John Kerry’s buttocks for over thirty years held a rare press-conference today to respond to allegations that Kerry did not deserve Purple Heart awards during his service in Vietnam.

“I may be nothing more than small pieces of metal embedded in a man’s ass, but I was there, man,” said the shrapnel. “I remember like it was yesterday: It was dark, there was a loud bang, and then I’m in this guy’s butt. I’ve been with him ever since.”

The shrapnel inside Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry’s body was previously known to exist, but today’s announcement was the first public statement by the shattered metal.

“I can’t speak to if any of the Swift Boat Vets for Truth were actually there are not there, ’cause I was busy flying directly into this guy’s body at a high rate of speed,” said the shrapnel. “But I do know that Bob Dole is full of it. Damn right I made my target bleed. What do I look like, the Easter Bunny?”

Former Sen. Bob Dole, a decorated World War II veteran, lashed out at Kerry’s service in Vietnam this week, declaring that the Democrat’s wounds did not bleed enough to merit three Purple Hearts.

“I just want to set the record straight. I’m sick of the smear against my reputation. That’s all,” said the shrapnel.