Fresno, CA — Members of the popular conservative forum FreeRepublic.com all disappeared suddenly today without immediate explanation. The site is a pro-American, pro-war, anti-granola website whose members spend hours at a time spreading peace and patriotism.
Witnesses describe bright flashes of light emanating from the insides of FreeRepublic.com members before their flesh vanished from sight and the light traveled upward. Many believe that the second coming of Jesus Christ is what spurred the mysterious disappearances.
Reports indicate that these individuals were enlightened in a class of superior status over all of mankind.
The rest of the human population will now be left to live out an excruciating existence on Earth, a new purgatory with the torture of democratically elected leaders, less war, and a worldly undercurrent of unity with America’s allies and the UN.
These events have obviously left many people troubled with their place in this new world, each with questions about their own destiny and where they missed the path to the paradise that now is inhabited by the members of FreeRepublic.com.
“I was thinking about becoming a Freeper and joining in their elite discussions just last week,” said Roger Milz, a student. “If I hadn’t put it off, I’d be in heaven right now. Man, this sucks!”
Users who load FreeRepublic.com now see a message that reads “Salvation is ours, commies!”