The Ministry of Truth

Report: America hated by all people on Earth, several smart monkeys

An alarming number of world citizens and intelligent primates hold anti-American views

WASHINGTON — A new survey conducted by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center show anti-American views are held by everyone outside America in addition to a growing consensus of intelligent primates. All people around the world oppose President Bush, and look unfavorably at U.S. motives in the Mid-East.

The findings suggest that America’s international public image has fallen even farther than had been previously suggested, as primates were never included as an official demographic prior to this study.

“It’s one thing for France and Germany and Spain and all Muslim nations to hate us, but they are technically the same species as us,” said Harvard Professor of Anthropology Henry Davis. “What’s intriguing here is that this hatred spans across varying life forms. This is a new kind of symbiosis that has never been observed before in the history of nature.”

“We’re even seeing some preliminary results now that some types of birds have strong feelings about the war in Iraq, but more experiments are necessary,” said Davis.

Some scientists believe that a new type of macro-evolution is taking place which was spurred only by the actions of the United States’ foreign policy.

“Seriously, thank goodness for America’s botched foreign policy. It’s brought all creatures on the world together as one,” said a grateful researcher, excited about the prospects of the discovery.