The Ministry of Truth

President decries everything

Bleak polls for Republicans move Bush to criticize gay marriage, everything else

President Bush has for months cast the midterm elections as a choice about just two issues: taxes and terrorism. Now, with polls predicting bleak results for Republicans, he is trying to fire up his party by decrying gay marriage, married gay terrorists who support higher taxes, and minstrel shows, among many other things.

“The institution of marriage is under attack by activist judges,” the president said on a campaign stop today. “But we must also be aware of the threat posed by minstrel shows. I stand here today proud to be one of the brave ones to lead opposition to these performances by white people in blackface.”

President Bush also took a hard line on cannibalism, declaring that “Republicans are the only party who have taken a stand against this evil practice.” He also noted that Democrats have been oddly quiet on this issue.

Bush also condemned the recent breakup of Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon and actor Ryan Phillippe after more than seven years of marriage.

“Read my lips: No more overly long voicemail messages,” exclaimed Bush to an enthusiastic crowd.

The most sustained applause for the President came after he spoke out against all the subscription postcards and other junk that fall out of a new magazine. Bush also shunned celebrity poker shows, cell phone contracts, and commercials.

“You have to wonder why the Democrats aren’t talking about these issues,” said the President.

Several domestic issues were also attacked by the President.

“Don’t you hate it when you go to use the bathroom and you realize too late that you’re out of toilet paper? I hate it, too,” said Bush. “Vote Republican! God Bless America!”