The Ministry of Truth

Record Number of Intimidating Federal Agents to “Monitor” Elections

Election “observers” will focus on historic racial and ethnic hotspots

Several unnamed government agencies are dispatching more than 800 white, armed, dangerous-looking men to “protect voting rights” in potentially troublesome polling locations.

That is a record number of federal officials “watching” polling stations in an off-year “election.”

Citizens who have already encountered problems with voting machines in the Miami area said that the presence of a fierce and imposing-looking authority figure would have helped to expedite the voting process.

“I certainly would have gotten the hell right out of there and not complained about the machine changing my votes if there was an overwhelming presence of Federal force, that’s for sure,” said a registered Democrat who wished to remain anonymous.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales wouldn’t reveal the more than 65 cities and counties to which the “observers” will be sent.

“The anticipated closeness of races is one factor in our decisions about where we’ll be sending the enforcers… observers,” said Gonzales.

The locations where federal “observers” will be stationed are selected because of past polling problems, an uneasy history among ethnically or racially diverse groups, or where fears and allegations of potential violations are asserted.

In addition, U.S. attorneys, the FBI and criminal fraud prosecutors from will be on standby in the event evidence of ballot stuffing or other voting fraud is found to be perpetrated by unauthorized individuals, groups, or parties.

“The Criminal Division’s Public Integrity Section has assigned attorneys to assist with election crimes. I meant potential crimes of course,” a Justice Department official said.

A Diebold Elections Systems spokesman said that the extra measures provided by the government were completely unnecessary due to the utter perfection of their electronic voting software.