The Ministry of Truth

John Kerry seeks comedic advice from experts to prevent another vile attack on troops

Expert: Subtle but important difference between President’s inappropriate statements and Kerry’s single soundbite

Terrible Botched Joke of Terror on the Troops: Day 4

As neoconservatives reassert their role as the ultimate arbiter on what is harmless, funny banter and what is treasonous hate-speech, John Kerry has enlisted a former Bush speechwriter, a linguist, and a team of comedic experts to attempt to prevent making another attack on our troops proudly serving their country.

A member of the team said it’s difficult to articulate or quantify what makes a statement made by a Republican President completely appropriate and what makes a statement made by a Democrat completely inappropriate and possibly treasonous.

“For example, when President Bush narrated a slide show poking fun at the amazingly poor intelligence on Iraqi WMD while troops were dying there, well, that was actually very decent and not in poor taste at all,” said Barry Schmitt, Professor of Linguistics at Stanford University.

“But paradoxically, if a Democrat had made the same joke and said the same exact words — showing a slide of the him or herself looking under a couch and saying ‘those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere’ — the Democrat would have been attached to a sizable stake and burned alive rather quickly.”

Another expert said that timing was one reason Kerry’s misspoken joke has created a scandal while several of the President’s own heinous remarks never spurred a reaction.

“Everything in comedy is about timing, and John Kerry didn’t pause at the right time for maximum effect, plus he didn’t have any props at all. People like props in their comedy,” said another member of the team.

A former Bush adviser working with Kerry has another theory for the differing standards.

“It’s the President’s war. He started it, and he claimed victory for it on an aircraft carrier,” he said. “It’s fair game for him to say whatever he wants because it’s his baby.”