The Ministry of Truth

Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror concerns

Republicans pull off stunning upset

Official: Precinct voting locations, dates, times had to be kept secret for citizens’ safety

Washington — The national election scheduled for today has been rescheduled to yesterday, and preliminary results show that Republicans have maintained decisive control of Congress. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major terrorist attack forced the rescheduling, which was so abrupt that the government had no time to inform citizens of the change.

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said that the threat of terror would not affect the outcome of a major election. “No terror threat will ever be allowed to stop Americans from exercising their right to choose to support the Republican agenda,” said Secretary Chertoff.

Officials credit the government’s total secrecy regarding polling locations and the date and times they would be open with the success of avoiding a major attack. “Al Qaeda would have loved to get some of that information, but we wisely kept it out of their reach,” said a Homeland Security official.

President Bush spoke to the nation after the low number of votes were counted by the handful of precincts who actually received votes. “The terrorists have lost again,” the President declared. “The winners are the American people who somehow found themselves in a polling location sometime between two o’clock and two-thirty this morning by some random act of God and were able to participate in the democratic process.”