The Ministry of Truth

Rumsfeld steps down to spend more time invading countries with no planning or intelligence, other hobbies

Source: Rumsfeld to singlehandedly take on North Korea, go fishing, next weekend

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned today in order to spend more time on personal hobbies such as beating baby seals to death and stalking writer Bob Woodward.

A source close to the former Defense Secretary said that his retirement means he’ll be able to spend more time on his greatest passions like invading other nations with reckless abandon and fishing.

A Department of Defense official said the resignation had nothing to do with the voters’ stinging rebuke on the Bush Administration’s handling of the Iraq war in Tuesday’s midterm elections.

Bush said that Rumsfeld will always remain a friend.

“Donald Rumfeld is a man of many interests, and he’s excited about leading massive defense failures on his own time,” Bush said in a post-election news conference.

Sources also say that Rumsfeld plans to start work on his memoirs, tentatively titled “Chicken Soup for the Warmonger’s Soul.”