Boy’s home is surrounded by Secret Service and Homeland Security-coordinated SWAT forces
Eugene, Oregon — A George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator Doll is being held hostage by 6-year-old Timothy Jennings in the garage of his home, according to the Department of Homeland Security. Reports indicate that the 12″ action figure has been held against its will for several hours and that a small firecracker has been fastened to the toy’s authentic flight suit.
“I blow up, go boom,” Timothy told a negotiator sent into the Jennings home by local police. “I hate doll, hate doll. I want X-Box, X-Box, X-Box!”
Vice-President Dick Cheney quickly took to the airwaves to try to calm the citizens around the world who’ve been watching the tense drama unfold. “Initial indications are that this is related to terrorist activity,” Cheney said. “We are dealing with the treat in the best possible way, and we will prevail.”
Negotiators on the scene said that Timothy is acting completely irrational and refuses to answer questions regarding which terrorist-sect he is currently working for and which foreign governments have offered him financial support during his stay in the U.S., if any.
Officials said that the explosive device, while small, has the potential to cause devastating damage to the doll. “The firecracker is in a bad spot for the George W. Bush Elite Force Aviator action figure. If it goes off from its current location, well, we’re not going to need any medics,” said an ATF spokesman.
The suspect’s parents were still in shock from watching their son turn to terrorism so abruptly. “Timmy hasn’t ever done anything like this,” Andi Jennings said. “I don’t know where we went wrong. I’m pretty sure he got the firecrackers from those bad kids down the street.”
The doll, available for $29.99 from KBToys.com, was given to Timothy yesterday by his grandparents. Neighborhood sources say that Timothy thought the doll was “really stupid” after playing with it for twenty minutes.
Officials recovered the opened box which contained the doll from the Jennings’ garage and confirmed that it is indeed a limited-edition “recreation of the Commander-in-Chief’s appearance during his historic Aircraft Carrier landing” on the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003.
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge told reporters that “Americans should know that every available resource has been deployed and additional resources are being directed to this critical rescue mission.”