The Ministry of Truth

Edwards drops out to spend more time with his hair

NEW ORLEANS — John Edwards announced Wednesday that his presidential bid has come to an end. An Edwards adviser said that the former Senator is looking forward to spending more time conditioning, brushing, and looking at his hair.

“I began my presidential campaign to remind the country that we have a moral responsibility to each other,” he said. “I came to realize that I have also have a moral responsibility: to my hair.”

“My haircut is always so perfect, so pristine, and hasn’t been messy in several decades,” added Edwards. “People think that this just happens naturally, but it takes hours and hours of preparation and I realize that it needs me now.”

Edwards said he had spoken to both of his Democratic rivals, and that they agreed to make his hair central to their campaigns.

“They have both pledged to me, and through me to America, that neither of them was ever as boyishly attractive as I am and that neither could ever come close to having the haircut of perfection that I am blessed with.”