The Ministry of Truth

Cheat codes for Diebold voting machines to enhance voting experience

Diebold Elections Systems confirmed today that the latest version of their proprietary voting software includes numerous cheat codes which can be used by voters to unlock special ballot areas which award votes to candidates via several unique, interactive methods.


John Kerry seeks comedic advice from experts to prevent another vile attack on troops

As neoconservatives reassert their role as the ultimate arbiter on what is harmless, funny banter and what is treasonous hate-speech, John Kerry has enlisted a former Bush speechwriter, a linguist, and a team of comedic experts to attempt to prevent making another attack on our troops proudly serving their country.


Record Number of Intimidating Federal Agents to “Monitor” Elections

Several unnamed government agencies are dispatching more than 800 white, armed, dangerous-looking men to “protect voting rights” in potentially troublesome polling locations.


President decries everything

President Bush has for months cast the midterm elections as a choice about just two issues: taxes and terrorism. Now, with polls predicting bleak results for Republicans, he is trying to fire up his party by decrying gay marriage, married gay terrorists who support higher taxes, and minstrel shows, among many other things.


President: My lack of plan to win in Iraq is better than the Democrats’ lack of plan

President Bush, campaigning aggressively ahead of the high-stakes November 7 elections, said Saturday Democrats should not be trusted to control Congress because, like the Republicans in power, they have no idea how to win in Iraq.


Radio host Limbaugh claims U.S. Military Casualties just “acting” dead or wounded

Conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh said today that troops supposedly killed in Iraq are “probably just acting” dead. The Department of Defense estimates that there have been over 2,800 US military deaths in Iraq, but the talk-show host has expressed doubt and claimed the estimate is “really shameless.”


President gives go-ahead to enclose US inside steel-reinforced, foreboding compound

President Bush signed a bill Thursday authorizing the construction of an airtight, blast-proof dome to hold the continental US safely inside it. Legislation approving 700 miles of double-layered wall along the US-Mexico border was expected, but a lack of proper funding made the original plan unfeasible.


Steel beams found at WTC site, quickly rushed away, destroyed

Searchers plan to sift through underground areas at the site of the World Trade Center attack to look for any remains of architectural structure, after more forgotten steel beams were found at the site Sunday.


Osama bin Laden personally campaigning for several Republicans

With less than three weeks before the November election, the al-Qaida chief is traveling around the country at breakneck speed to help as many Republican candidates as possible.


Epcot’s Iraq attraction opens to the public, Disney under fire for lack of accurate warnings

Iraq is the latest country to be represented in the World Showcase at Disney World’s Epcot theme park. The attraction officially opened to the public today at the Orlando resort.


Freedom and democracy lead to surge of violence in Iraq

US Officials are touting the surging death toll in Iraq as evidence that the Iraqi people are coming to understand and live by traditional American values and ideals. “What we’re seeing in parts of Iraq is what we see on the streets of urban America every day,” said an unnamed White House official. “It’s a beautiful thing to see a country find its freedom.”


Abu Ghraib abuses were actually totally consensual pornographic photo shoot

Republican Rep. Christopher Shays of Connecticut, who is in a tough re-election fight, said Friday the Abu Ghraib prison abuses were more about pornography than torture.