A new survey conducted by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center show anti-American views are held by everyone outside America in addition to a growing consensus of intelligent primates. All people around the world oppose President Bush, and look unfavorably at U.S. motives in the Mid-East.
Members of the popular conservative forum FreeRepublic.com all disappeared suddenly today without immediate explanation. The site is a pro-American, pro-war, anti-granola website whose members spend hours at a time spreading peace and patriotism.
In a tragic display of evil personified by a Democrat, former President Clinton defended his handling of the threat posed by Osama bin Laden and went on a murderous rampage during a combative interview on “Fox News Sunday.” Three Fox News employees, including esteemed journalist Chris Wallace, were found dead at the scene of the interview several hours after it took place.
Former Rep. Mark Foley’s attorney, David Roth, said that Mr. Foley has “kept the shame to himself” until now. Foley resigned in disgrace after the disclosure of lurid on line communications with teenage congressional pages.
The Al-Jazeera news channel announced today that Osama Bin Laden will produce his own weekly podcast for listeners around the world, in light of the popularity of his recent spoken word releases. The podcast’s first episode featured a scathing critique of US foreign policy and a witty how-to on how to make the prefect omelet.
President Bush completed reading children’s book “My Pet Goat” with an elementary school class early today and finally allowed the students and teachers in attendance to leave the classroom. Bush began reading the book on the morning of September 11, 2001 and has been criticized for staying in the classroom instead of providing leadership to a country in need.
Congressional Republicans turned the heat on reality today, charging that four years of revelations about President Bush’s record are based on millions of fake documents and false reports.
Fragments from an exploded artillery shell which have resided inside John Kerry’s buttocks for over thirty years held a rare press-conference today to respond to allegations that Kerry did not deserve Purple Heart awards during his service in Vietnam.
A fringe veterans’ group called Texas Air National Guard Vets for Truth has released an advertisement questioning the circumstances surrounding a “beer bong” record held by President Bush. The Vets claim that Bush has exaggerated his actual beer and drug intake during 1972 while in the Texas Guard.
Senior intelligence officials say what they originally thought was a plan by terrorists to carry out a large-scale attack to influence November’s presidential election is actually wrong, and that the terrorists simply plan to do nothing but watch disputed returns come in on the Fox News Channel via satellite.
The Bush Administration’s new plan of attack against the crazed rantings of left-wing traitors officially debuted today after the President launched “Operation: Fuck Yourself.” President Bush didn’t offer many specifics on the plan, but stated that attacks from Democrats would be met by a “strong fucking response” from now on.
Recently deceased former President Ronald Reagan appeared with President Bush at a fundraiser today as the White House searches for ways to continue to take advantage of a nation’s love for a fallen hero.