The Ministry of Truth

Sovereignty of Iraq to be Turned Over to Random Man

White House officials said today that authority in Iraq will be handed over on June 30 to “some guy” who has been chosen randomly by the President.


Report: Americans feeling pinch of worldwide freedom supply shortage

Officials at the International Freedom Monitoring Center released a distressing report today outlining their dire predictions for the future of worldwide freedom supply shortages which could affect Americans for years.


White House staff organize surprise party for President to mark one-year anniversary of Iraq War

White House staffers arranged a well-deserved surprise party for President Bush today, in honor of the one-year anniversary of the Iraq War. Invited guests arrived at the White House in secret, and shocked the President with cheers of “Happy Anniversary” in the normally quiet and reserved Roosevelt Room.


President defends use of 9/11 imagery in ads after taking credit for letting tragedy occur

Responding to criticism about the use of September 11th footage in his new campaign ads, President Bush today defended his right to use these and related events as re-election fodder.


Poll Results: 98% of Americans don’t care

Poll results released today show that Americans have little tolerance for reality, and would prefer to not be subjected to information dealing with the intricacies of war, the economy, and our government in general.


White House adds Novak, Rove, CIA, DOJ to ‘Do-Not-Call’ bill

President Bush signed the ‘do-not-call’ bill into law after waiting for the insertion of a provision which forbids certain parties in Washington from contacting each other. The new bill prohibits conservative commentator Robert Novak, political adviser Karl Rove, CIA, the Department of Justice, and the Washington Post from communicating with each other.


White House: Clinton’s penis leaked CIA operative’s identity

The White House said it has reason to believe that an illegal leak which disclosed the identity of a CIA operative was made by former President Bill Clinton’s penis. The operative, wife of a former U.S. diplomat with expertise in African affairs, was apparently named by Clinton’s appendage in a series of encounters with several Washington journalists.


Poor nations eager to surrender to US for reconstruction money

Several of the world’s poorest nations have asked the United States to initiate military campaigns in their countries in a desperate attempt to cash-in on lucrative reconstruction monen. At least eight developing nations welcome a US attack with the promise of clean water, electricity, and health care.


President at UN: World must confront annoying telemarketing calls

President George W. Bush said on Tuesday that the United Nations must make the fight against annoying telemarketers a top priority and that only a global effort will lessen the number of dinnertime calls.


California recall debate features all 135 candidates

The first debate of California’s recall election gave voters the chance to get to know each of the candidates on a personal level, and understand the intricacies of their positions on a variety of complicated platforms.


Don’t Know formally announces presidential bid, leads all Dems in polls

Don’t Know formally announced his bid for President in the 2004 election today at a well-attended rally. Despite the low profile and nonexistent biography and outlined positions of the unknown candidate, Know leads all Democrats in a national poll administered by Fox News.


Bush calls in sick, tries to extend vacation at Texas ranch

President Bush, who was originally expected to return to a full schedule at the White House this weekend, has called in sick in an effort to enjoy a few more hours of vacation at his ranch in Texas.